I heard myself asking the same question again –Faith to what end? I have been in this place for so long. I have waited on God for this one moment of my life. It wasn’t like I didn’t believe his word anymore, but this time, it was difficult to believe.
I have worn these shoes for so long, I have waited for the fulfilment of the promise. Maybe my case isn’t the same as Esther in the bible, but it is peculiar to me.
I reached out for my bible if I could find some comforting words. I tried praying to God, to see if the burdens will be lifted off. The more I tried to pray, the more tears rolled down my cheeks
Why me Lord, I cried!!
But why not you, a voice replied. You haven’t been of the best behaviour since and can’t say your hands are totally clean. The other day, you still told a lie, despised a colleague in your heart because she got a promotion. You are full of envy, and yes you only care about yourself, and what you can gain.
But I have asked for mercy, I know I could be all of that, but I laid it at the masters’ feet, whose shoes I am not worthy to untie. The more I heard the voice speak condemnation, the harder I cried.
But I have heard of mercy before
And this doesn’t look like it.
Another voice spoke to my heart, I don’t condemn, even the worst of sinners. My tears moved me to seek for help. On my own, I knew I couldn’t be healed. The pain had eaten so deep into me. This kind of life was never what I dreamt of, or even read in my bible. I thought, again, should my sins make me unworthy of his blessing? He who sends rain to the just and the unjust is the one whom I still call my father.
And so I arose, from pain and shame
For if my faith would ever work, then now is the time. I know, that God is too faithful to fail. And even if he opens or shuts a door, it is to my benefit. His mercy is everlasting, and in this truth, I live in daily.
For even in times when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I still choose to call him father. And when my needs never seem to be met, I still will call him my shepherd.